


the servamp cronicles.

by Lurt



Category: Servamp (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Humor, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-08-09 10:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7797859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lurt/pseuds/Lurt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the adventures of many servamps and eves and many bullshit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. fights in my house?

**Author's Note:**

> for our good intrusive thoughts. enjoy my fuck house.

Sakuya was very lonely and emo today because he missed Mahiru and so he was crying and his mascara was running down his face.

Sakuya began to sing "i tear my heart open. i sew myself shut," he sang dramatically.

Berukia wished he could cut off his ears.

Shamrock was listening to Tsubaki talk about how he loves throwing rocks in lakes because they go SPLOOSH.

Otogiri sat there quietly.

"Tsubakkkkkiiiii, Sakuya is crying!" Berukia yelled loudly into Tsubaki's ear as he was having an intense conversation about rocks with Shamrock.

"poor fucking sakuya, ahahahahahahahahahaha, god, the world doesn't care."

Berukia gasped "Tsubaki?! don't you care?!"

Tsubaki laughed "no. I'm an insensitive bitch and don't understand."

Tsubaki stood up and said "i'm done with this conversation ahahahaha" and walked away from Shamrock and said he was going to go play with Kuro.

"good bye young master" shamrock told him and he told Berukia "thats going to be mine you bitch."

Berukia looked disgusted "what the fuck"

Sakuya was crying and he said "cat fight" as he rubbed his eyes with his sleeve.

Otogiri just watched because she is above this stuff cause she's not a fool.

Lilac was cowering in the corner.

"what the fucks up kid?!" Berukia yelled as he approached Lilac.

"u-uhm, nothing....?" Lilac replied.

"i'm about to beat that mothafucking ass!!!!" Berukia yelled as he pointed at Shamrock and he picked up Shamrock and threw him into a wal "YEA WHOO WRESTLING!!!!"

Lilac curled up in the corner. "if I pretend I'm a carrot they can't hurt me."

Sakuya looked at the fridge "man im so hungry i could cut open my own stomach and eat my own organs"

Lilac was still lying on the floor.

Berukia was still fighting with Shamrock.

Tsubaki was over at Mahiru's house.

he busted through the window, flipped Kuro over, took his ramen and yelled, "WEST SIDE."

Tsubaki then flew away,

"man fucking hate that guy," Kuro said as he picked up his ramen.

"Kuro language!" Mahiru whined.

Kuro sobbed "he hurt my ramen, mommy."

"im not your mom!!!" Mahiru screamed at the top of his lungs.

Kuro walked away.

Tsubaki back at the crew.

"what is this" he said pointing at the disaster in the room.

Berukia screamed "TSUBAKKKKKYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!" as he glomped him and said "x3 missed you"

Tsubaki laughed, "haha I'm gonna kill myself."

Shamrock growled. "see you turn him off."

Tsubaki flew out the window very gracefully like a feather.

"He's an angel....." Berukia gasped. :O

somewhere Licht ..... was....

"WHO THE FUCK SAID THEY'RE AN ANGEL?!" Licht yelled.

Tsurugi screamed "PAY YOUR MEETING FEE~!!!!"

Licht sighed "ahghghhahghgh shit rat, kick his ass"

Lawless gasped "ok licht-tan~!!!! I love you nyaaa!"

Lawless lept at Tsurugi and pawnched him with his big hands of yaoi.

Licht closed his eyes.

(wake me up)

(wake me up inside).

(can't wake up)


	2. the friendZONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm very depressed you see.

"tsubakkkyyyuuuu!!!" Berukia shouted happily. "let's do something!"

Tsubaki laughed for 5 minutes.

"I'm depressed."

Sakuya crinkled his nose. "depressed? ain't that just a fancy word for being sad?"

Tsubaki tilted his head "Who the fuck. Asked you?"

Sakuya shrunk back. "Sorry I'm not a fucking doctor."

Lilac covered his face with his hands "please stop fighting!"

Otogiri whispered "they're not fighting?"

Berukia laughed "But I was."

Otogiri stared "where?"

Shamrock was back in the wall again.

"stop throwing him...." Lilac pleaded.

"You're giving this old man, depression," Higan said.

"shut up old man, smelly!!!" Berukia shouted.

Tsubaki cringed "what the fuck only I can have depression."

Sakuya stared "uhm not just you has it?"

"No?" Tsubaki answered.

"I'M. THE ONLY. PERSON. IN THE WORLD. WHO IS SAD RIGHT NOW," Tsubaki explained very loudly.

"Shurt the fuck up I was just crying because I lost 5 dollars," a very loud and obnoxious voice responded.

"ahahahahahahahahaha,,sdhhahahahahaa" Tsubaki laughed and choked. "ok sorry...."

sometimes these dumbasses gave Sakuya a headache but he LOVED them.

(not as much as he loved Mahiru)

Sakuya is in the friendzone though.


	3. how could he

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mmmghhhh dumbass sakuya never learns.

sakuya was listening in on this one door in their building and he heard "UNGHHH UNGHHH" and he started to hold in his laugh because what the fucking shit!

"ughghngnh ugnnghgh,,,,,, tsubakki!!!" Berukia screamed out as he was getting his anus mc fucking destroyed by the dildo called, cock slammer 400, that Tsubaki got on hot sexy vampire network for extra powerful sluts 2016.

"Destroy me with your big dildo, tsubakyuuuuuuun!!!!" Berukia screamed at the top of his lungs and Sakuya swears to god it could shake the room. Like, like, a fucking earthquake.

Sakuya covers his ears and starts screaming "la la la la, i'm with mahiru, la la la la, not listening to vampires having sex, la la la, HAHAHA, FUCK. LALALALALA.........." he started crying.

Higan came up to Sakuya "what is wrong Sakuya?"

Sakuya cried "i hear nasty shit, grandpa"

Higan blinked "im not your grandpa you dumb kid but okay! haha, this old man will help you" and he threw Sakuya out the window from a thirty fucking feet drop, good fucking luck Sakuya, good thing he is immortal, ha ha, otherwise that would hurt and he would have a broken leg, good thing that he is immortal and cannot break his leg, ha ha, good thing.

fuck humans, ha ha.

Sakuya hits the ground.

"AHGHGHGH AHHGHHHH!!!!! MY LEG" Sakuya screams very loudly.

Berukia yells from the bedroom as he is getting the SEX.

"SAKUYA SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOUR LEG IS NOT BROKEN, STOP BEING DRAMATIC!!!!!!!!!" he yells as he gets the dildo slammed in his ass again.

Tsubaki laughing and laughing and says, "I don't understand sex."

Lilac curled up in a corner and said "its okay its okay im not real so its okay....."

Otogiri sighed "this embarrasses me so much........"

 

and meanwhile Kuro was licking some milk on the sidewalk and Mahiru sighed "Kuro that is not milk"

and Kuro said "what the hail is it, then, mahiru? what the hale shit is it? what the hell?"

and Mahiru said "it is cum"

and Kuro said "what"

Mahiru cried "its CUM!!!!!"

Kuro meowed "cum? nya?"

Mahiru was sobbing and started crytyping irl "hahghg yye sss its cuum c cum and its not even my cum!!!"

Kuro nodded "ah meow, ah okay meow. sorry"

and then Sakuya got up and saw Mahiru and said "whatg the fuck only I can crytype im the best crytyper. ahghgh mmnmyy myy leg it huuu hurts so much ahhh ahhh!"

Licht then came down from the heavens (he was flying on Lawless) (Nyoom) (Nyoom) (BITCH!)

"I AM AN ANGEL, THEREFORE, I, AM, THE BEST CRYTYPER....."

and they were about to have a crytyping competition but then Tsubaki pulled the fuck out of sex because he is the best motherfucking cry typer ever but then he realizes he doesn't care so he goes back home because he is tired.

Sakuya was crytyping irl "ahghghghgh dumb t tttsubakki ... iiii.... and dumb hii hiiignanna.... he broke my leg by throwing me out the window"

and Mahiru said "not real because you typed your last sentence legit"

and Sakuya yelled "IM FUCKING SPEAKING ENGLISH YOU ASHOLE"

and Kuro said "we're not in england."

Mahiru sighed, "I love you Kuro but please."

Sakuya cried "i'll just go home mmmm mmm!" and he ran away with his broken leg, sakuya is so fast, daddy is so fast, why is daddy so fast.

NYOOM GOES DADDY, NYOOM!!!!

daddy is gone.


	4. you're beautiful baby: jeje and mikuni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sexy tiem for jeje and mikuni

"do I look good....? mirror" Jeje spoke in his rough deep voice.

"ya real UGLY!" Mikuni laughed and he was having himself a laugh.

"should have it, said you should BAG IT. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Get it that is why you wear bags."

Jeje was not having this shit.

He began shooting at Mikuni and grabbed him and began to choke him.

"ahahhh ahhhhh, Jeje !!! not so hard, ahhh ahhh! not so hard, i'm into CHOKING BUT NOT TOO HARD! YOU'RE GONNA LIKE!!! KILL ME-- JEJE AHHHH!!!"

Jeje released and spit on Mikuni and he whispered in his deep, sexy, manly voice, "don't ever call me ugly again."

Mikuni flushed "hot, fuck, of all suns, if you talk like that to me again, I will."

Jeje grabbed a bag and put it on Mikuni's head.

Mikuni yelled "JEJE DONT BE THIS WAAY! I LOVE YOU! SILLY WET PAPER BAG!"

Mikuni grinned "when I suck your dick it sure is a wet paper bag, huh?"

"Is this turning you on Jeje? IS IT?"

Jeje turned into a snake and started to strangle Mikuni.

"AW YEA DO THAT BUT DO IT TO MY DICK!!!" 

Jeje crawled away and under the beg.

"aw jeje, i'm sorry, I was just kidding, don't be so mad!"

Jeje made a hissing noise.

"JEJE!!!!"

Mikuni was trying to fish him out and Jeje hissed more.

"JEJE, PLEASE."

Jeje didn't budge and went to sleep.

"ah, Jeje, so mean...."


	5. tsubaki no killing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tsubaki never learned what empathy was.

Berukia folded his arms.

“Empathy! Empathy! Put yourself in the place of ME!” he shouted as he was trying to explain to Tsubaki how to understand Kuro’s feelings or how to understand his when Sakuya is mean to him (Sakuya isn’t even mean to him).

“What the fuck is empathy, Beru?” Tsubaki didn’t fucking understand.

“….Well it’s when you understand how someone else feels? And try and understand how it hurts them or their pain!”

Tsubaki cringed “What the fuck is that.”

“Tsubakyun!!!!”

Tsubaki sighed “No really I don’t understand.”

Berukia had a tear run down his eye “You hurt me deep, Tsubaki…..”

“Lol why don’t you cry about it?” Sakuya egged on Berukia.

“HE’S FUCKING ATTACKING ME, TSUBAKYUN!!!!” Berukia cried out.

Tsubaki looked around and contemplated for a moment then sighed and put a hand to Berukia’s face. “What are you talking about, Sakuya is just sitting there.”

“Oh my god, Tsubaki, you are not paying attention!” 

Sakuya watched a magician cry crocodile magician tears that day.

“N-now watch as my final trick is to pull tears out of my eyes!”

Berukia cried.

Tsubaki raised a brow “Berukia please don’t cry.”

“Do you understand the problem now?”

Tsubaki blinked.

“No.”

Berukia frowned hard, like, really hard.

The hardest frown you could ever imagine.

“I’m going to the store to get some blood.”

Sakuya had to think for a moment.

“There ain’t no blood in the supermarket”

What kind of bullshit ass shopping?

“Lol yes there is”

and Tsubaki left and Sakuya and Berukia ran after him “DON’T FUCKING KILL PEOPLE. TSUBAKI NO KILLING! TSUBAKI NO KILLING!” they had learned to yell that at foxes because it stops them on TV. 

Kuro was at the store too.

“Get some chips Mahiru”

Mahiru nodded “ya I am”

And then they saw him.

Tsubaki.

“TSUBAKI NO KILLING,” yelled Mahiru.

“ah ok I guess…..” Tsubaki said as he knocked an ile down and took all the fucking chips he could and ran away.

“Haha thank god I watched TV.”

Mahiru knew what to do and could shop peacefully with Kuro now.


	6. disney channel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please no sue disney please no suuuue

"nothing feels good anymore. im tired. im depressed. im tired of fake subclass," tsubaki announced as he was very hurt.

"i just didn't want to watch a movie with you, tsubaki, damn," sakuya yelled.

no.

no.  
nno.

tsubaki knew he had shit taste in movies this is why no one watched movies with him just because he wanted to watch a fucking disney movie about whatever the dig dang fuck disney is making nowdays but he wanted to watch it he did he wanted to watch a disney movie but Sakuya had to be a fucking asshole.

Tsubaki laid on the floor.  
"im just garbage," tsubaki sobbed.

"no you're not."

"IM JUST GARBAGE."

Tsubaki laid there.

"tsubaki sir you are not garbage......."

Lilac was such a sweet boy.

Lilac helped Tsubaki up like an old lady.

"SAKUYYYA PLEASE JUST WATCH DISNEY CHANNEL WITH ME"

Sakuya screamed "NO"

"IF I WAS MASHIRU YOU WOULD!!!!" he sobbed.

Berukia wasn't there for some reason.


	7. vorukia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry.

Now Tsubaki’s mouth being a fox was not as big as Kuro’s who has a wide mouth and range of mouth because of being a lion so as Tsubaki opened his jaw to take in Berukia’s small doll form that had shrunken do to the magician’s magic, Tsubaki bit and took him in with his tongue as he swallowed the doll as the doll now traveled down his trachea(his thrussy?!) and he heard the doll talking to him “NHGHGHGHG IM SO SQUISHY TSUBAKI” as the doll settled down into Tsubaki’s stomach, doll Berukia sat there firmly as Tsubaki patted his belly.

  



	8. im sad

tsubaki was crying "i just miss you so much sensei" he said as he was crying still and wiping his tears on his sleeves. why won't this pain go away??? why can't he forget??? tsubaki keeps crying and berukia tries to comfort him but tsubaki keeps crying, tsubaki just wants to be okay,,, he just wants to be okay, why do memories keep surfacing and reminding him and he's just so sad, tsubaki is sad and then he got some ice cream and he's still sad and nothing feels good anymore! but that's okay! because well it isn't ok! but tsubaki pretends because he is tsubaki and that is the life of melancholy!!!!!!


End file.
